


True Salvation

by Catastra_Fey



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcoholics Anonymous, Alternate Universe - Never Met, Angst with a Happy Ending, Atheists in a Church, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Loss of Faith, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catastra_Fey/pseuds/Catastra_Fey
Summary: “I believe that telling our stories, first to ourselves and then to one another and the world, is a revolutionary act. It is an act that can be met with hostility, exclusion, and violence. It can also lead to love, understanding, transcendence, and community. I hope that my being real with you will help empower you to step into who you are and encourage you to share yourself with those around you.” —Janet Mock, writer, TV host, and transgender activistHow two people found each other amidst grief and trauma, and never looked back.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	True Salvation

Kuroo clutched the back of the pew in front of him, knuckles white against old wood, worn from many hands before his. His mind felt like it was in a vice, torn between anger and deep clenching sorrow. He looked up at the gold inlaid Jesus on the cross behind the altar. He didn't seem so special. Just a skinny guy in a bad situation. Kuroo scoffed.

He'd been sitting there for who knows how long, trying to either shove down or let boil over all the things that were twisting around inside him. He just wanted to scream and cry and hurt as loud as a human was able, but nothing ever made it past his throat.

He felt the pew he was sitting in shift and noticed a man had sat down next to him, a few feet away. There was no one else in the church that he could see, and the guy gave him a curious look. He was handsome and probably about Kuroo's age, probably perfect for a priest, though his dark clothes didn't look like a clergyman's getup.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked, and his voice was smooth and deep and full of compassion. Kuroo let out a deep sigh.

“Sorry, I'm not interested in talking about religion. I just came here to...” why the fuck did he come here? In lieu of answering, he ran a hand back through his mess of hair, squeezing his eyes shut, hoping the guy would go away and just leave him alone. He couldn't deal with it right now.

“Oh, no, I don't like, work here or anything. Honestly, I just saw someone else with a 'what the hell am I doing here' aura about them and thought I'd check in.” Kuroo had leaned down on his forearms, but he peeked out at the guy. A distraction by a cute stranger wasn't what he was looking for, but maybe he'd take it.

“What the hell are you doing here, then? And I'm really not interested in any religious talk, I'm serious, okay. I don't even believe in this stuff and I'm not starting today.” The guy let out a single chuckle at him, slumping forward a bit. There was a sorrow on his shoulders as well, Kuroo could read it in the lines of his face and the way his hands moved over each other.

“Well, that's funny. I'm actually not a believer either. But someone really important to me was.” From his pocket, he took out what looked like a bronze poker chip and placed it on the narrow back of the pew in front of them. Kuroo lifted his head a bit, trying to read the writing on it. It had a number 5 pressed into it and the man next to him brushed his thumb over it in circles.

“Is that...?”

“It's actually been nine years now. Nine today. I thought maybe I'd go back to the meetings at my ten year and get that chip. But, now I just come to this church instead. And I thank my friend for all she did for me back then.”

“Your sponsor?” He knew a little about Alcoholics Anonymous, but not really enough to gauge the depth of this. Still, he leaned back into his seat and regarded the man quietly.

“Yeah, but, that word, it barely scratches the surface. What's a word for a person who holds your hand while you're shaking and scratching from withdrawal? Who rubs your back while you puke your guts out? Who is there for you every day to take your call with grace and compassion? Who doesn't change the way they look at you when you relapse, just helps you move forward? What do you call the person who saves your life? Sponsor doesn't really cut it, I think.” His words were heavy with emotion and he gripped the token hard enough that it had to nearly be cutting into his hand. Kuroo stared at him, shocked by his openness.

“Why are you here then?”

“She always believed in all this stuff. Never pushed it on me, mind you, but she really lived it. I believed once, never like she did, but a little. And then, in a tragic twist of fate, she was killed. By a drunk driver. A woman who spent most of her adult life helping sods like me escape that demon and it fucking killed her in the end. That was three years ago, and I haven't had a shred of faith in any god since. But I still come here, on my one year anniversary. And I thank her for saving my life.” The man's lower lip trembled a bit as he looked up to the altar and heaved a great sigh. “I hope there is a heaven for you, Kiyoko-san.”

Kuroo didn't know what to say. They sat a moment in silence, the big church weighing them down with a heavy quiet. He thought that he didn't want to talk about it, but the words seemed to push against the inside of his chest. So he let them tumble out.

“M-my mom...she died yesterday.” It felt so weird to say it like that. All the phone calls and arrangements, the pain of dealing with his siblings and father who clearly had no desire to involve him. He'd been too busy being angry to really be that sad about anything. As it was, he felt like all of his emotions were wrong. The guy looked at him with such empathy and it made him chew at the inside of his cheek.  


“I'm so sorry.”

“I hadn't spoken to her in almost ten years.” He remembered pieces of their final conversation, the one that had come after so many others, of shocking and dehumanizing things slipping from the mouth of the person who was always supposed to love him unconditionally. The terrible things she had accused him of, the fate she had laid upon him if he didn't change his 'evil' ways. How many times had he gone back and forth, being silent and trying to scream the truth into her. He was who he was and there was no changing that. She had told him not to come home until he chose to no longer live in sin. That was the day it truly stopped being home.

“Oh. That's a long time.” The guy didn't ask him anything and he kept cringing in wait, but he was quiet.

“I guess I came here to try and see what was so great about it. What about all this was so much better than her son? Why was its rules greater than the love between us? She came here every Sunday to speak to that guy made of wood. But she wouldn't talk to me for ten years. All because...” He sighed through his teeth. He really didn't want to put this guy off, so he chose to leave the details out. But he saw him move a bit closer out of the corner of his eye.

“Because you're gay?”

“That obvious, huh?” The guy gave a low, hollow laugh in response.

“No, it's just, you know, the gay experience. I was lucky, my parents were accepting, but I've had plenty of friends and partners who told the same story.”

Kuroo looked at him, more closely this time. He very much hadn't expected that. The space between them filled with solidarity and trust and their eyes met fully for the first time. He had soft brown eyes, big and kind and filled with a fathomless sense of heart. Kuroo felt his throat tighten as all the emotions that had been caught inside his chest pressed against their bindings.

“Do you regret it? Not talking to her or trying to make amends?”

Kuroo bit into his bottom lip hard, trying to hold back the tears he'd been trying to coax forth for so long.

“No.” He felt one slip free, and he cleared his throat to try to remove the stone that had lodged itself there. “Do you think,” his voice cracked a bit and he wiped at his face, “Do you think that makes me a bad person?” He shuddered as he suppressed a sob, bringing a hand to his face as the tears began to fall in earnest. Warm fingers found his other hand, wrapping them tight, and he gripped back with what strength he had left.

“No.” He spoke with such conviction that a whimper escaped Kuroo and he clung to that hand like the last thread of hope left in him. “I think that for someone you love so much to have pushed you away from them so far, they must have hurt you terribly. And it is never, never a bad thing to protect yourself from that trauma. And I'm so, so sorry that she died before she could work to mend that. You deserved better.”

The grief overtook him then, pulling him under the surface and bitter, wracking sobs shook his whole body, tearing brutal and desperate sounds from his throat. He realized with aching clarity that so much of his grief was not simply from her death, but of the loss of the chance that they would ever make amends. He'd always held that hope in secret, close to his heart, that someday she would realize that she was wrong. That she would choose love over her hateful religion and that they could heal together. That chance died with her, and it was perhaps the bitterest loss of all. His last memory of her would forever be those words of rejection. All he had ever wanted was her love.

He didn't know how long he cried, but when he could finally see through the tears once again, he found the kind stranger's hand still holding his tightly. A flush of embarrassment spread across him, knowing he must look like a complete wretch, but he was overcome by gratefulness. He wiped his face on his sleeve as best he could, knowing how gross it was but there was no other option.

“What's your name?” he asked the stranger, who gave him a sidelong glance and squeezed his hand.

“Sawamura Daichi.”

“I'm Kuroo Tetsurou. Would you...would you consider letting me buy you a coffee or something? Just, in thanks for...for this. I...” He didn't know what words to say because none of them he knew were big and bold and sanguine enough to express everything that was pouring out of him. He looked helplessly at Sawamura, who gave him a gentle smile.

“I'd love that. Maybe I can buy you one too. You've had a rough day.” And for some crazy reason he would never understand, he laughed. And it was as if they were connected through the skin of their palms because Sawamura began to laugh too, and Kuroo would have thought he was going mad, if it hadn't felt so completely cleansing.

As they regained themselves, Sawamura pulled him up from the pew, only letting go of his hand once they were both headed back down the center aisle.

“I can't believe I met you here, today of all days. Once a year I come to this church for 30 minutes, and it was somehow right when I could be there for someone who needed it. If there is a god, he sure works in damn mysterious ways.” When Kuroo looked over, he saw Sawamura grinning, his cheeks dusted with red and Kuroo watched him sneak a look at him before those soft brown eyes darted away again in embarrassment. A subtle warmth was forming in his chest, helping to assuage the terrible bite from the events of the last two days.

“Either way, I'm never stepping foot in a church again. They can suck it.” And he raised his middle finger behind him as they left through the arched doors.

Kuroo never did go back into a church.

They were married in their garden, after all. Surrounded by the people who loved them, all of them, every part, and stood by them while their love bloomed out of two vines that happened intertwine perfectly one day in a solitary church. Who's to say if it was fate or coincidence. They found their own salvation in love, either way.

**Author's Note:**

> A very big thank you and love to joshllyman, who not only helped me with this, but also is a wonderful friend I can't believe I lived so long without. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. <3


End file.
